Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
