did you get engaged???
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
