You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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