I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
