I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
