The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
