when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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