I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
