So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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