you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
