Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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