If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
