dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
