WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
