i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
