I'm going to jail i love you
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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