4 words: hood of his car
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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