I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
