My nipple is on Facebook.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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