I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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