your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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