I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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