He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
