The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She bit a glass in half.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
