I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
