I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
