He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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