What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
