I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
