i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
