I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
