Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
