i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
