dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
