Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
