I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
