I accidentally had phone sex last night
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
