I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
