thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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