U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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