seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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