i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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