all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
