Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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