"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
