I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
