There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
