Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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