Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
