my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
