idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
