Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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